Catching Up

The best cure for a hangover - especially one as bad as this - probably isn't writing about what movies you watched over the weekend, but eh, I do need to update this. And I have slept for half of the day.

TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE

There shouldn't be a lot you can say about a movie centred on a bunch of robots fighting each other. Even if they do turn into cars. And planes. And trains. That turn into space shuttles. And bugs. And dinosaurs. And the old janitor from THE SHINING. But seriously, TF: TM was an integral part of most gen-xers' (god I hate that fucking term) childhood.

And all because a truck dies.

Here's the thing. In 1985 when the film was released, I was seven. That puts me squarely in the centre of demographics for Hasbro because I was the young male the toys sold best with, but I also was old enough to have an imagination that deemed I would get more out of said toys and thus were likely to ask the parents for more, instead of asking for Masters of the Universe or some such. I never really got into MOTU (although Skeletor rocked the planet). Saying that I did have the He-Man where you punch his chest and it swivels around to show a big dent. He was wearing a big silver shirt but unfortunately it looked more like he was modelling a retro toaster. But back to the task at hand, the only toys that ever competed with Transformers for my affections were Kenner's Star Wars line, and by 1985 with RETURN OF THE JEDI being two years old, those toys had slowly dwindled until all that were left were bargain bin Ewok Gliders. No thanks.

So yeah. Transformers was a great cartoon too, despite being a twenty minute advert for the toys. But it was your atypical saturday morning show. Simple stories with embedded morals, and each one ending with Megatron and co slinking back to Decepticon headquarters after realizing Prime had rumbled their plan to steal more energon cubes. On some occasions it really got ridiculous, well, more ridiculous than stories about a forty-foot robot shrinking to a gun the size of Arnold Schwarzeneggar's average cigar. Like the time the Decepticons tried to capture this chick, and this Autobot saved her, and ended up falling in love with her. Even Saved By The Bell had more realism than that, and that show was based around a gigantic well-funded Californian school that had about twelve students. So yeah, the show was pretty predictable. But the movie changed it all.

Here we had a full-length Transformers episode where, in the first fifteen minutes, about eight Autobots DIED. It'd be like watching a movie of THE A-TEAM and seeing B.A. Baracus actually shooting people dead instead of seeing vague explosions. We were used to seeing them get damaged. But when Prowl got taken down, we knew he wasn't coming back. And outside of the Star Wars Trilogy, us kids had no real concept of mortality. Which made it much harder to accept what happened next.

The Death of Optimus Prime.

Prime was the Captain Kirk of the Transformers. He was the only one that ever got anything done, he was the only one who ever displayed any kind of basic tactical knowledge, and he just oozed cool. You know that despite her flirting with Hot Rod, Arcee no doubt had a deep-seated passion for Prime that sent her microprocessors into overdrive. Then again, who else is she going to pick? Perceptor?

Here's the kicker - Megatron didn't kill Prime. Hot Rod did. If you remember - or if your childhood was either so deprived that you didn't see or you weren't born (it's weird to think on new year's eve I kissed a girl who was younger than TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE (that was eighteen, btw folks) ) - basically Prime and Megatron had it out. Prime had Megs down and out, and while the mulleted one had a plan to grab his gun hidden under a bit of metal, it never would have worked. Well, it wouldn't have worked if fucking Hot Rod hadn't intervened. He grabs Megatron, Prime gets distracted because he doesn't want to hit him, Megs takes Prime down, game over. Suddenly, children the world over utter their very first swearword as in their billions, the kids in unison shout four words at the movie screen:

'HOT ROD YOU TWAT!'

Hot Rod was probably the worst leader the Autobots could ever have. Even Ultra-Magnus, who held the title for about four hours, was better than him. All Rodimus Prime (his name after he grabbed the matrix of leadership) ever did was sit around bemoaning that Prime was dead and that he was a shitty leader. And he was right, he was. Devoid of the charisma and handsome rugged good looks that Prime had, despite being voiced by Bender from THE BREAKFAST CLUB, Hot Rod was a complete loser.

It's not the best movie in the world. It may have voice acting from giants like Eric Idle and Leonard Nimoy, and the most excellent synth soundtrack since John Carpenter gave us The Coupe DeVilles, but it's pretty basic for a giant robot movie. The kids are fucking annoying, many of the Transformers are fucking annoying, and the over-reliance on Stan Bush's The Touch is infuriating, so much that I am unable to watch BOOGIE NIGHTS. It's just stupid fun, really. I have no problem with embracing the Autobot-loving period of my childhood, and it beats most animated movies from that time.

All I can do now is imagine Orson Welles and Robert Stack sitting in heaven rewatching the movie and pondering why they contributed to it.

WELLES: I can't believe this. I made the greatest picture the world has ever known, and my reward is to be recognized by trillions of people as 'that planet eating dude.'
STACK: Could be worse. Your wife could be fucking a horse.
WELLES: I never thought of that. Quick, hide the frozen peas, here comes Marilyn Monroe.

Music listened to while writing this: The soundtrack to THE PHANTOM MENACE, Bjork's Possibly Maybe, Finale (Reprise) from THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and Schism by Tool.

'By Grabthar's hammer... what a savings.'

You may be familiar with the above quote, you may not. If you aren't, you need to run to your nearest mom and pop video store and rent GALAXY QUEST, because it's ace. It has good charismatic lead acting by Tim Allen, great work by Alan Rickman and a stunning performance by Sigourney Weaver's tits. Also, Sam Rockwell and Tony Shalhoub!

If you haven't seen it, basically imagine the original Star Trek cast before the movies took off. Now imagine a bunch of real aliens having trouble with other worlds bullying them caught the transmissions of the original show, believed they were "historical documents" i.e. real, and built a replica of the Starship Enterprise and kidnapped Shatner, Nimoy et al in order so they can help them save the day. It's a blast, very funny, and better than the last three STAR TREK movies. It's self-referential humour at its greatest, folks. And that female Thermian is mighty hot, even if she is an octopus under those fake breasts.

Who The Fuck Whoops?

I mean seriously. I don't care if you are eight years old and you've just blown up a Trade Federation battleship, YOU DON'T FUCKING WHOOP IN PUBLIC.

*Ok. Maybe if you're doubling up on Eliza Dushku and Alyson Hannigan. I'll admit, that's a situation where you're authorized to whoop, especially if it's in public.

*Ca-chizz... hum, hum*

Ok, I'll admit there's one part of this movie that still gets me wet in a metaphorical sense - the final lightsaber duel. Watching it again now, with Duel of the Fates going in the background, it's fucking great stuff. It makes you, well, want to be a Jedi.

Again, this is why I'm looking forward to SITH, because it's supposed to blow this out of the water, and also have some emotional weight behind it.

Six Years On, and Still Lame...

So i'm sitting here yet again trying to cajole my brain into even attempting to like THE PHANTOM MENACE, and you know what?

It's still not working.

It's gone more into apathy now. I don't hate it as much as I used to, and I don't really find a lot of it enjoyable, but I look at it right now and hear the Jedi Council dialogue and I just want to scream like Gabe Cash that this whole deal 'FUCKING SUCKS!' Sam Jackson especially. It's so, so, so boring. That's the thing with both TPM and ATTACK OF THE CLONES, is that they're both borne out of the typical 80s/90s yuppie Hollywood mentality where your entire calendar is based upon meetings. You can only imagine what Qui-Gon's filofax said when he got up that fateful morning:

8am - Board Federation ship
8.30am - Make vague comment about the Force. Meet with Federation people and try to shy away from the fact they sound like Mickey Rooney in BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S.
10am - Meet with annoying Gungan.
10.30am - Meet with annoying Gungan council.
11am - Meet with Queen Amidala.
12pm - Meet with future saviour of the Jedi.
1pm - Meet with Sith. Buffet not provided.
1.30pm - Meet with Chancellor
3pm - Meet with annoying Gungan council again.
4pm - Meet with Sith.
4.01pm - Die.

I dunno, it's all so fucking laborious. I always find it weird people slate CLONES more, because for me that's far the superior film, whether it panders or not. The Tatooine stuff is great, and I maintain Hayden does a good, if not great, performance. But the Obi-Wan stuff rocks, especially Kamino. All of the stuff on Kamino, the atmosphere, the music, the scenery, for me it's the closest thing to classic Star Wars in the prequels. And yeah, it all goes downhill when they get to Geonosis, despite Chris Lee fucking ruling as Dooku. But compare that to the fucking boring Senate stuff which goes on for like an hour in TPM. No comparison, really. Also, AOTC has the advantage of having the best SW theme since the ESB love cue, Across the Stars, which is just awesome. The cross-edit from The Imperial March into that at the end of the movie really sends a shiver up my spine, in a good way. As bad as parts of that movie was, it really set up a nice intro for REVENGE OF THE SITH.

I kinda feel bad for John Williams with the prequels, especially TPM. He wrote some great music, but people just shunned it because it wasn't like the OT music, despite being pretty strongly connected thematically. But then, people also praise Marco Beltrami.

Anakin just asked 'I was wondering, what are midi-chlorians?' I have to say, that's an awesome line. How many movies like this just have the balls to come out and say 'we should just explain this in an easy way because we can't find any other way to get around it' and just have a five-minute fucking science lesson. So amazing.

It's weird seeing Keira Knightley in this, too. I mean, I kinda like it because I said she was hot as soon as I saw the flick, whereas it's taken until the incredibly overrated PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN for most people to realize she's worth a roll in ze hay. I keep missing Sofia Coppola though. Mostly because for some reason, I keep looking for Scarlett Johannsen.

One actor apart from Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor that escaped TPM with a shred of dignity is Ian McDiarmid, who has been wholly convincing in the prequels thus far, both as slimy scheming Palpatine and nu-metal pin-up Darth Sidious. The guy is ace, and I can't wait to see the Emperor back as his old self in SITH. He's bad ass, and one of my favourite parts of RETURN OF THE JEDI.

Jesus

It's 4.46am and I'm sitting here listening to late 80s Madonna wondering what the fuck I'm doing.

Excited? Me?

I am such a fucking geek. I've just spent probably two hours or so thinking about REVENGE OF THE SITH and that silly duel, and watching the trailer over and over. I think I probably hit it maybe forty times.

Some of you will no doubt think I'm nuts. Phrases such as 'WTF is he thinking?' and 'Did he even see EPISODE I/II?' will come in to your mind. And yes, I know the risks. I'm not EPISODE I and II's biggest fan by a lot. I know a lot sucked in those movies. But I've heard stuff trickling through about this one, so much that it sounds like George has actually learned something. That he's paying attention to acting, and dialogue, and stuff that doesn't concern special effects.

But there's one thing I'm really looking forward to in EPISODE III. And it's apparently twenty minutes long.



Seeya later, folks.

Eh?

When did the internet get so fucking boring?

Does It Come In Black?

Y'know, I haven't really been all that excited about BATMAN BEGINS. However, the Superbowl spot was suitably cool. The suit still looks like George Clooney's, but the Batmobile is fucking cool, and I love Michael Caine to death. So we'll see what happens come June 17, I guess.


HOLY MICHAEL CAINE, BAT-FANS!

Puny Humans!

'this is a comic book movie for people who wouldn't be caught dead at a comic book movie.'

That line was the closing sentence of Roger Ebert's review for Ang Lee's HULK. I've recently revisited the film myself, wanting to watch after seeing it slated by people who didn't get the film. The diagnosis is pretty much the same; I loved it in theaters, I love it now. I don't know if I can really say which is the best comic book flick out of it and SPIDER-MAN 2, but they leave just about all of the others in their dust.

The Hulk has always been really interesting, character-wise. The tragedy of the character has always been appealing, both in the comics and the Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno TV show with the suicide-inducing end credit music. It's Frankenstein and Jekyll and Hyde by way of Universal's horror classics of the 30s and 40s, with a medium known primarily for being aimed at kids taking on some powerful themes. Ang Lee's film is certainly not aimed at kids. Well, maybe those kids in the Simpsons episode where Bart gets mistaken for a genius.

'Hello little Control Hamster.'
'Don't get too attached, we're dissecting him tomorrow.'

Back on Earth, this movie is greatness. I just don't understand how some people can be so fucking blind - or stupid - to think that there's nothing behind this. The Hulk may be a metaphor for emotional rage, that's pretty obvious, but the story here is about repressed memories, and a father's legacy carrying on in his son. It's powerful stuff, especially with Eric Bana's acting and Nick Nolte giving a performance of absolute lunacy that enforces his role of the mad scientist/father. There's a scene near the end where the two just sit down and face each other, and it's absolutely electric (in every sense of the word!). Insane, but great.

The action stuff is fun, but it kind of reminds me of my film I made at college. The film had to have action scenes because of the nature of the story, but they were secondary to the entire thing and a necessary evil. Here, the action is the same. Which is probably what pissed off the mainstream. I mean, we don't go to the movies to think, do we? Subtitles? I don't go to the movies to read!

The CGI is good, if not perfect, but then you accept it because of the world Ang Lee has created, especially the scientific world, which seems like that of Victor Frankenstein if his lab was on the starship Enterprise. The emotional expressions of the Hulk are excellent, with one scene standing out. The Hulk is smashing cars, and looks back to see a helicopter. Having been attacked by choppers earlier, he picks up a rock, but when he goes to throw it, he sees Betty, his ex-girlfriend (when he was Bruce, naturally). The look on both his face and Jennifer Connelly's is heartbreaking, and it's a perfect moment to sum up why HULK is not only a great comic book movie, but a great human drama. If you don't understand about that sort of thing, maybe VAN HELSING is more your thing.

He's Dead, Jim

Ossie. Such a cool name.

Wha?

This will be short, as I have zero to say.

Why am I updating? No idea.