MORONWATCH: Britain's Stupidest People #1

People are morons. It's an indisputable fact, certainly in the UK, so I thought I'd run a semi-regular feature on how stupid people can be.

Today's example comes from Musgrove Park Hospital in Taunton, Somerset in the South-West of the UK i.e. Farmerland. Musgrove was where my sister had her kids, so I guess it's already been cursed in some way, but I don't know if that was responsible for this episode. Basically, this chef in nearby Bridgwater was doing some kitchen work in a pub, and moved a cloth to find a big hairy spider sitting there that jumped him and bit him. He thought it looked weird, so he snapped it with his cameraphone (which probably saved his life) and then it bit him again. I guess it's the Bjork/Sean Penn of spiders.

So this dude got seriously ill, and went to the hospital. The staff sent the picture down to Bristol Zoo here, who promptly identified it as a Brazilian Wandering Spider, basically one of two or three species of spider that won't run away if you try to step on it, and one that's known to be the most venomous spider on the planet. Spiders come here from time to time in boxes of bananas, which come from that area, so it's not an unusual thing. So luckily because they knew what kind of spider it was, they saved the guy's life. However.

What did they do with the spider? They did what I'm sure any normal decent human being would do when faced with the deadliest spider in the world safely captured in a jar. THEY RELEASED IT INTO THE WILD because, despite it being identified, some worker thought it was a domestic species.

Hello? There has never been ANY indigenous domestic spiders in Britain that can even bite through our skin, let alone have enough poison to do it. The official line from the hospital was 'it's okay, it'll die soon.' When is soon? Before it's bitten a ton more people? The bottom line is despite Britain's inhospitableness, tropical spiders have been known to survive here before. All it has to do is get back into the hospital, snuggle up behind a radiator to catch some rays, then go on a feeding frenzy. Some dude from London's Natural History Museum rightly called the guy, and I quote, 'Imbecilic.' Right on.

What a fucking moron. It's because of him that I'm currently typing in a self-contained glass container.

It's The Weekend!

Excellent. Thankfully, because I've had today off and I get Monday off due to a British national holiday, it's an four-day weekend! So I have lots of time to watch movies and write and try not to waste too much time on the internet.

I've already picked out a few movies to watch, including WEST SIDE STORY, THE LAST BOY SCOUT and WHO'S THAT KNOCKING AT MY DOOR. I plan to watch a few more, and I'm tentatively planning doing a Star Wars marathon, although who knows if that'll happen. I revisited T2 last night, and found it better than I remembered it. I've always dug it, but never been the hugest fan, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I admire its message. This afternoon I watched the middle chapter of Leone's spaghetti western trilogy, FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, which is excellent stuff. I do miss Lee Van Cleef in movies.

I thought I'd do a round-up of interesting (and non-interesting) stuff that's happened this week, movie wise. Apparently Stephen Sommers, he who last raped our eyes and the Universal monsters in one fell swoop with VAN HELSING, is going back to the franchise that made him a bigshot, THE MUMMY. I'm not really bothered, aside from the fact it'll cost a ton of cash that'd be better spent on something good, but if it stops him from doing FLASH GORDON, that's a good thing.

Two new trailers hit this week, and both were decent, if not great. First off was BATMAN BEGINS, and sadly, this is still failing to make me excited in any way, shape or form. I'll still go see it on opening day because I love Chris Nolan and I've had this strange thing where I've seen every Batflick on opening day, but while the first half of the trailer seemed interesting, the rest of it is the same shots of Batman looking broody and the Batmobile crashing through infinite walls. Secondly, the first teaser for George Romero's LAND OF THE DEAD arrived. Similar to the REVENGE OF THE SITH teaser, it starts off with scenes and dialogue from the first three movies, before showing us a few tasty shots of the new footage and Dennis Hopper being weird. The zombies look cool, and there one was really haunting shot, but nothing overwhelming. Still, it's a new Romero zombie flick, so I'll be there on opening day.

Speaking of REVENGE OF THE SITH, more footage hit this week. Those of us unlucky enough to not spend the weekend with sweaty men in Clonetrooper outfits at Celebration III were granted a look at the footage shown there, courtesy of those trusty bootleggers. Also, the "A Hero Falls" music video from the upcoming soundtrack/DVD was leaked, along with a Norwegian TV show showing more footage. And it's all great stuff. See actual people acting and emoting! See lots and lots of mad lightsaber and space action. I have to say, while the design and aesthetic aspects of the prequels has been consistently great, I haven't really seen a lot which has just made me go 'WOAH!' like the AT-AT's or the Yavin IV battle or the speeder bikes or the Endor space battle or the Emperor frying Luke.

But now I have. And against my better judgement, I'm stupidly excited.

The Phantom Tivo'er

We seem to have a poltergeist in our house. And for some reason, his/her only shtick is to record things on our Sky Plus box (essentially a TIVO machine with a hdd).

My dad said to me yesterday, 'You need to stop recording things because we're running out space.' I said 'What? I haven't put anything on for like a month.' He shows me the contents screen, and there are like six Ren and Stimpy episodes that have been recorded. I'm like WTF? I didn't do that.

Ten minutes ago, my dad flips over, says 'When did you record THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD?' I say 'Uh... I didn't.' Weirdness to the extreme.

I wish it'd maybe record some good stuff. And maybe porn. I guess until it stops, this is To be Continued...

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

So I cut my hair today. Like most of it. There's nothing better than having a hot brunette spend an hour fucking with your hair. Shit, if I was rich, I'd have a harem assigned just to wash my hair.

Okay, blowjobs too.

I shaved as well. I now look decidedly foppish, so I expect to start fulfilling my duties as an absolute cad anyday. Anyway, here's photographic evidence.



New Digs

I've been working on my website at http://www.geocities.com/cultslop/slop_index.htm and I just added a message board. If any of you fine gents fancy coming down, it's at http://cultslop.proboards21.com/index.cgi

Note: For anyone from CHUD (which is most of you), this isn't any kind of thing to replace it, I just want a quiet little place I can chat about stuff with good people without the mass idiots that come with being big and famous. So, if you fancy it...

Aural Pleasure

John Williams is a fucking GOD. I say this after listening to the soundtrack for STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH. And OMG...

I'm not going to go through the whole thing, because I need to listen to it a few more times and then write it all up for my site, but it's incredible - the end credits especially.

It's certainly a crowd-pleaser. And the end credits end with the fanfare from the OT - which made me giggle like a little girl.

Friday Night, Saturday Morning

Man, it's been a long day. Granted, I haven't done a lot. I put up my new website that I've been tinkering wit, Cultural Slop (link is on the left) so that was good. But I felt really tired at like five, so I went for a powernap, and ended up sleeping until ten or something. Thus, I miss half the day and it's two hours to Saturday. I don't get the whole midnight issue, where it becomes the next day at 12am. I'm sure it has to do with the rotation of the Earth or some such, I dunno I'm not really up on that kind of thing, but I always think the day should begin at 6am.

I'm still undecided what I'm going to do tomorrow. I have some work to be getting on with, so I need to get down with that for a bit, and I've been writing new ideas for a script, although I don't feel ready to write it yet. A friend of mine lent me the entire Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy CD set, so that's an option. I also have a shitload of movies to watch, including my latest purchase, Sam Peckinpah's CROSS OF IRON.

I guess it all depends on how motivated I am.

- this post has been brought to you by Howard Shore, Johnny Cash and The Cure -

Sweden's Greatest Export

I can't think of a lot of great things that come from Sweden. I'm not a fan of IKEA. They make cheap shitty furniture that's impossible to construct, their little titles for products annoy me, and their in-store customer service is non-existent. The women can be hot, but then I've always preferred Norwegian chicks. And I can never get through Bergman movies. So aside from inspiring subtitles on the opening credits of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL ('A moose bit my sister' and 'The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink'), they haven't done a lot of great things. Until now.



I am absolutely fucking ADDICTED to these things. Kind of a mix between wholegrain crackers and digestive biscuits, with a mostly savoury but occasionally slightly sweet taste, they are AWESOME. And cheap. And I'm sure they can be used in conjunction with a healthy and balanced diet. Just not the way I've been eating them.

Maybe I can get me a Swedish wife who can make these at home...


Mars Attacks!

Ack ack, ack ack ack ack. Ack ack ack ack, ack, ack, ack ack ack. Ack. Ack ack ack, ack ack, ack ack ack ack, ack. Ack ack, ack ack ack ack. Ack ack ack ack, ack, ack, ack ack ack. Ack. Ack ack ack, ack ack, ack ack ack ack, ack. Ack ack, ack ack ack ack. Ack ack ack ack, ack, ack, ack ack ack. Ack. Ack ack ack, ack ack, ack ack ack ack, ack. Ack ack, ack ack ack ack. Ack ack ack ack, ack, ack, ack ack ack. Ack. Ack ack ack, ack ack, ack ack ack ack, ack. Ack ack, ack ack ack ack. Ack ack ack ack, ack, ack, ack ack ack. Ack. Ack ack ack, ack ack, ack ack ack ack, ack.

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Ack ack ack ack.

Life's Incredible Again

I showed my pops THE INCREDIBLES this weekend. He loved it. Strike one for Pixar!

Actually, I'm starting to think anyone who doesn't love that movie is a soulless monster. It's that fucking good.

I've had an odd weekend. I was tidying the front room at 5am this morning. I also went to Toys R Us to have a gander at the Star Wars merch. I was going to do midnight madness, but I didn't feel like going up there. All in all, I just decided to buy Darth Vader. I wanted the Trivial Pursuit too, but no dice, they didn't have it. So I went to Virgin and picked up the purchases below.

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS is still great. Such a shitload of fun. Great songs. Great cleav- I mean comedy. And Steve Martin punching his dental assistant.

So the Pope died. Or Schiavo'd, as my latest verb would have it. Meanwhile, Robert Mugabe and his hyper-fucked up "government" in Zimbabwe win again. And nobody cares. Yet millions of people are there to cry as the Pope spits his last fart.

I think I was going to say more, but I can't remember. Oh well.

Today's Purchases









And yes...